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Title: Dastardly Crime (part two)
Characters/Pairings: Rayne. Jayne, River, Mal, Kaylee, Simon
Genre:  Humour/romance 
Rating:  It's not too bad. A little bit of sexual mentioning.
Summary: Jayne does fiendish crime. 

Author's Note:  A belated (forgive me) fic for [info]dtsguru She gave me a prompt and this was the result. Hope you like it lass. Beta'd by   [info]ultra_fic   and[info]bigbadjayne 

Again, cannot put into a link. I dunno why! 


No one knew exactly what happened to the pair while they were finishing off a deal. All the crew did know was that Jayne had a score to settle.  They didn’t question why or how he was covered in scratch marks and his clothes were all torn, but his bad temper and River’s amused smirk hinted at an interesting and hilarious reason, a reason that was bound to be revealed.  

It had something to do with the very large and heavy sack Jayne was holding in one hand.

“You were laughin’ at me!” Jayne growled into River’s face. “You screwed up my op and then laughed at me!”

“Should have brought a gun! I told you! Your plan was all wrong!”

“No, it weren’t! If I had taken out the fat one first, they wouldn’t have noticed! Instead ya tell me to take out the Leader and make them lose their gorram ruttin’ minds! I could'a been killed!”

“Your death was very unlikely! I surmised that the leader was the most dangerous! His extermination would have lessened the risk of my Jayne-man being hurt! It was a logical course of action, but I was wrong. They did not behave logically.” She shrugged her shoulders. It infuriated Jayne even more. 

“They ain’t ‘kin logical! They don’t think logic! They near as dammit took ruttin’ chunks outta me! Came at me from all angles! Take that gorram smirk off ya face! It ain’t funny! ”

“I helped you, did I not?”  She cooed.

“Yeah, only after laughing at me!”

“But don’t worry now, bao bei.” River cuddled up to him and pretended to take several bites out of his side. “They were dealt with and we came away with a plentiful prize! I shall now keep my promise, to make up for your suffering.”

The anger vanished and a crafty, dirty look, complete with smirk came over Jayne’s face. Such an expression did not make Mal or Simon feel good at all. They went to protest, but Inara held out her hands in front of them to keep them back.

 “Ya... y’will?”  He dropped the bag he had been carrying and gathered River up into his arms, dragging her legs round his waist. Their foreheads pressed together and she nuzzled at his neck, making the merc purr with delight.  His anger at River appeared to be forgotten.

“I promised. With the boots as well!”

“Hell yeah, girl!”  Jayne let loose an excited chuckle and began to hurry over to the stairs. River laughed as well and clung tightly to him, as his hands wandered low and up beneath her dress. “We’ll be in my bunk!”

“No! ” Simon cried out desperately as the merc carried his sister up the stairs. “River! Captain…stop them please!”

“I--!” Mal was speechless. He shook his head. This had been a long time coming, though the Captain was impressed that it had taken Jayne this long before acting.

“What about this?!” asked Kaylee picking up the bag Jayne had dropped.

The couple had reached the doorway. Jayne was staggering a little and pushed River up against the frame, his hands clearly gripping at her bottom beneath the red fluttering material of her dress. He looked down at the bag and then gazed at the scratches and marks all over his arms and at his torn t-shirt.

His eyes darkened and for a brief moment he looked almost ashamed.

“Foe was defeated!” gasped River, patting Jayne proudly on his head. “Enemy vanquished and the rewards are plentiful! The brave thief is going to be treated well!”

“Too ruttin’ right I am!”

There was a whimper from Simon’s direction.

“Don’t worry.” Kaylee chirped, waving him away. “I’ll deal with it. You two go and have good sex!”

“Kaylee!” Simon gasped.

“What?! Nothin’ in the ‘verse is gonna stop them now! Let them, its ‘bout time an’ all!”

“That’s my—!” There were crashes, bangs, and booms and shrieks of laughter and Simon slapped his hand over his eyes and shook his head. “That’s my sister.”



 Jayne collapsed to the floor, panting and gasping for breath. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the rutted silly expression on River’s face as she peered over the edge of his bed. She  could barely move, or keep her eyes open, but that satisfied and pleasured goofy grin on her face made Jayne do his own.

“That…” Jayne could hardly speak, he was so tired. His sweat drenched body was still shaking, jerking for more of her, “was…so…worth…the….”

“Worth the wait.” Her weakened voice replied. “A long time coming.”

“Yeah, we did.”

River’s giggle even sounded tired. Her arm rose a little bit and with little strength she had, she tried to slap him, but only succeeded in swiping the air.

“Silly! Not what I meant!”

“I know whatcha meant.” Jayne wiped the sweat from his face and grinned. “So glad you kept them boots on though.”

“Great Gallus gallus domesticus killer deserved it.”

Jayne growled and forced himself to sit up. He swayed a little and then rested his arms on the side of his bed, so he was face to face with River.

“I was gettin’ that wang ba dan wot owned ‘em, back for calling my girl a crazed loon!”

“You call me a crazed loon.” River snuggled up to him and rested her face in the crook of his arm. “You call me lots of names.”

“I’m allowed ta. Your mine.”

River hummed an agreeing note.

“And the chicken killer is mine.” 

“Would’ve preferred to have smashed his face in.”

“I know you would have.”

“But you….”

“I apologise for being wrong and for laughing at my chicken killer. It was funny to see big muscled man screaming like a girl as they flocked around him. You should have brought a gun.”

“All right already! Just don’t be tellin’ the others what really happened.  Dong ma?

Shi.  I will tell a story befitting for a brave and daring mercenary around the dinner table when we eat your kill!”

 “Good. Now move over…I’m wanna sleep in my bed not on the gorram floor.”

Jayne hauled himself up and after three attempts managed to slump his body down onto the bed. River had to move and was nearly squashed up against the wall, but she slipped on to him—and nearly off him and onto the floor—and lightly patted his face. His eyes were drooping.

“I do not want to sleep now. We must continue.”

“Again?” One eye opened and glared back at her. River nodded. “Well, I am still pissed off atcha.”

“As you should be.”

Jayne grinned and placed his hands on her hips. That grin faded at hearing the one sound from River he never wanted to hear, especially in this situation.

Her chicken impression wasn't funny.

“Oh… now you’re gonna pay.”

Tags: , , , , ,
Current Mood: cranky cranky

19 comments or Leave a comment
goddessofbirth From: goddessofbirth Date: May 9th, 2011 07:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yay for happy, fun times Rayne! I loved that they went after chickens LOL, and since I have Jayne having a phobia of geese, I can totally appreciate the chicken fear;) Chickens can be awfully mean...
basched From: basched Date: May 9th, 2011 07:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Chickens can be nasty!! XD

Again this was going to be a lot longer, focusing more on Jayne and River having their first time...but thanks to BBJ dude, he said it was fine as is! XD

Glad you liked it.
goddessofbirth From: goddessofbirth Date: May 9th, 2011 07:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ohhhh...I would have liked River/Jayne first time details, too, but this was still great without it!
basched From: basched Date: May 9th, 2011 07:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Might have to do a seperate oneshot for that! :) Adds another idea to a long list of to do fics.
From: cedelede Date: May 9th, 2011 08:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bwa ha ha ha ha!

This was awesome. I would have commented on the first part but I was so damn curious what they were after that I couldn't wait to devour this part.

I loved the teasing and the image of Jayne being chased by chickens and the hilarity of Jayne and River's conversations throughout.

This was made of win!
basched From: basched Date: May 10th, 2011 01:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

I did not reply to this?! Sorry!

Thank you anyway. I think the others have done the same, commented only on this part. It hacked me off spliting the story into two. LJ seriously doesn't like long chapters. *sigh*

Much thanks for the kind comments! Glad you enjoyed reading!
rjsteamboat76 From: rjsteamboat76 Date: May 9th, 2011 08:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
that was pretty fun! so what exactly did they do? hmmm? lol. oh yeah, and also, you might wanna put it behind a cut, so it doesn't eat up so much space on fpage.

Edited at 2011-05-09 09:36 pm (UTC)
basched From: basched Date: May 10th, 2011 03:26 am (UTC) (Link)

Thanks Rj! :) Well technically, Jayne went an killed some chickens as payback. Unfortunately he killed the wrong one and got attack by some vicious fowl! :)

As for the the link. At the time of posting LJ was being bloody nasty and I couldn't put it behind a link no matter how hard I tried. It worked for another story afterwards, and i shall get round to to doing so.

Thanks man! Most appreciated and pleased you liked!
dtsguru From: dtsguru Date: May 10th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC) (Link)
You did a great job. I love the image of River sitting back and laughing while Jayne is attacked, and then mocking him again later with the chicken impression.
basched From: basched Date: May 10th, 2011 03:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks Guru! :) Pleased that you liked it! I mentioned to Goddess that it would have been longer as I was trying to focus more on this being their first time together. I might do that at a later date. :)

Once again thank you! :)
dtsguru From: dtsguru Date: May 11th, 2011 02:16 am (UTC) (Link)
It's great how it is so don't feel pressured to add to it. But you know none of us would exactly complain if you did. ;)
basched From: basched Date: May 11th, 2011 03:50 pm (UTC) (Link)

Oh I will one day...I have a feeling. But not right now! LOL Cheers again!
thefriskyfire From: thefriskyfire Date: May 10th, 2011 07:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Bahahaha! I loved it! Sooo cute, so much fun! Jayne has alektorophobia! The image is just too bloody funny for words mate, little slice of genius this is :)
basched From: basched Date: May 10th, 2011 01:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

I take it that phobia is one against chickens?! I think he would have it after dealing with those things!

Ta muchly mate! XD
(Deleted comment)
basched From: basched Date: May 10th, 2011 01:34 pm (UTC) (Link)

Glad you liked! XD And thank you so much for having a look at it! XD

Cheers ultra!
sunshineali From: sunshineali Date: May 11th, 2011 03:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Heee, for a bit, I was wondering what exactly had freaked him out so badly. I figured it must be some type of animal, but I laughed so hard when I realized it was chickens. This was really cute and fun. :)
basched From: basched Date: May 11th, 2011 03:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thanks Ali! Of course, it would be hilarious to see, a guy like Jayne being attacked by Chickens.

At least he got a happy ending! So to speak! :)

Glad you liked.
ludzu_alus From: ludzu_alus Date: May 11th, 2011 03:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Hahahahahahah! Chickens!!! Too right! This was sexy and funny and I love love love it! You win!
basched From: basched Date: May 11th, 2011 03:39 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thanks!! *hifiveages* So chuffed that you liked it! Cheers!
19 comments or Leave a comment