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Title: Don't Poke The Bear!
Characters/Pairings: River/Jayne  
Genre:  Humour 
Rating: 15. For swearages.
Summary: . You don't ever poke Jayne Cobb.   
Author's Note: This is for the epic and much missed  brandywine00 for her birthday. I hope you read this and enjoy it. Beta'd by Mr bigbadjayne but any mistakes are mine. Please, enjoy. You are the Rafia, part of the family. Miss ya lots. Have a wonderful and great day lass. Much love! 

                A finger jabbed hard at his forehead. Jayne swatted at it with a floppy sleepy hand but he hit nothing.


                A finger poked at his forehead again. He growled, tried to swat the annoyance but missed. The finger wasn’t letting him be. It continued to jab at his cheek, his nose and chin and they weren’t gentle pokes either. A rough uneven nail dug into his skin every time and it pissed him off.

                “Chou zi!”  Jayne’s order came out like a groggy whine, yet it did nothing as the finger poked again all over his face and then at his arm and chest.  Someone wanted his attention, but Jayne was not in the mood. He was tired, worn out and he needed to sleep.  If this poking carried on, whoever was doing it was going to be in a whole lot of hurt.

                The poking did continue. The intervals between the poking shortened and the strength of them increased. Jayne reckoned he was going to get bruises on his bruises.

                Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

                The finger went in his sides, his legs and back up to his face and it was seriously pissing him off. There was only one person who could piss him off like this.

                “Crazy…didn’tcha Ma ever tell ya not to poke wild bears?” he snarled covering his face with his arm. The poking jabbed at his arm. “They’ll most likely kill ya!”

                “There are no wild bears on Osiris!” sing-songed the ship’s resident crazy girl. She giggled and continued to poke Jayne, with two fingers. “Big grizzly bears became extinct on Earth-That-Was….well She thought that fact to be true until She met Him! She wants to see the bear dance!”

                “I ain’t dancing for you or anyone, Crazy. Now fuck off and let me sleep.”

                “Shan’t put a muzzle on him.”  River poked his nose and the corner of his mouth, her hand snapped away quickly when he snarled and bared his teeth. River laughed. “Bears aren’t supposed to be muzzled. They devour and eat and kill…claws and teeth! Grrr!”

                Her attempt at a growl came out like a purr, especially when River laughed afterwards. She poked him again.

                “Get up lazy bear! There is no time to hibernate!”   

                “I swear…” Jayne ground his teeth. “If ya don’t stop that now…I will kill ya.”

                Of course, she didn’t. Her lilting laughter preceded several pokes to his stomach and then to his face, and Jayne felt the anger swell up inside him.

                There were no more warnings.
                He shot up from his lying position, his large hand grabbing a delicate white arm and dragging the body it was attached to, to the other side of the room. Her cheerful cries of delight wasn’t the reaction he wanted so instead he flung her up against the wall and with his hand gripping around her neck hauled her up off the floor.

                Jayne wanted to call her all the disgusting and foul names he could think of, in common tongue and Mandarin, but all he could do was huff and seethe frustrating anger right in her face. Anyone else would be struggling for breath in his grip, they would be thrashing and prying at his fingers to let go, but instead River just grinned and hung there, relishing the squeeze of his fingers round her throat.

                “Gorram feng le bitch!”  His hand squeezed just that little bit tighter, but then he let go and pinned her there with just his body. “Now ya gonna pay! Mal…Simon, all them others…they ain’t gonna save ya. I’m gonna rip you up! I’m gonna do what I should have done the first time you set foot on this boat!”

                The blade was at River’s throat in seconds.



                Those damned fingers were jabbing in his side again.

                 Poke. Poke. Poke. 

                 “Fuck off! I’m sleepin!”

                Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. 

                “Sleepy bear?  She’s bored. You’re no fun when you’re sleeping.”

                “And ya annoyin’ when yer not! Fuck off!”

                Poke. Poke. Poke.  

                "Don't want to fuck off! Want to fuck again!"

                River really wasn’t giving up. Even now as she sat upon his wearied and sweat drenched body, rocking upon his utterly spent John Thomas to get some life back into it and him, she was not letting him have one moment of peace. It seemed River Tam had a much more active sex drive than he did, which surprised Jayne no end. He’d lost count now how many times they’d sexed this morning. Yep…it was still morning! Jayne didn’t know if he could keep up with her. All he wanted to do was sleep…

                Poke. Poke. Poke. 

                “Sleepy Jayne Bear?”

                Poke. Poke.


                Poke. Poke. Poke.


                "Gorammit! Again?!" 

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Current Mood: blah blah

25 comments or Leave a comment
freddiejoey From: freddiejoey Date: November 25th, 2011 12:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is fun! I haven't read much Firefly in ages and enjoyed this heaps.
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 12:20 pm (UTC) (Link)

Why thanks!! I'm really pleased that you liked it! I didn't know you liked Firefly, so I was surprised to see your comment! surprised but very pleased!

If you don't mind the River/Jayne partnership I do have lots more. Or if you like, I've written a Firefly story where all the crew are turned into kids! XD Not finished that yet...but its ongoing.

Yay! I'm so chuffed you like this and firefly! *all giddy now* XD
freddiejoey From: freddiejoey Date: November 25th, 2011 12:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, I always enjoyed Firefly - and my nephews have the DVDs.

River/Jayne suits me just fine.
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 12:31 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yay! I do love Firefly its one of my four main fandoms and I can't ever stop loving Jayne/River.

Have had the most awesome pleasure of meeting Nr Baldwin. The guy is more like Casey in Chuck than Jayne...but wow! What a guy!

:) Sweeet!
freddiejoey From: freddiejoey Date: November 25th, 2011 12:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Very sweet indeed.

And nice on the eyes.
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC) (Link)

Totally!! He is also VERY tall I was a munchkin from the land of oz compared to him! XD

A perfect gentleman too!
freddiejoey From: freddiejoey Date: November 25th, 2011 12:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's really wonderful when people you admire turn out to be jsut as nice in real life.

Rewarding somehow -and I would be a munchkin too. I'm hardly five foot 2.
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 01:03 pm (UTC) (Link)

He was a wonderful guy and hoping to meet him again next year at the T4 convention! Sweet!

We might be the same height! I'm only just 5"1. :)
freddiejoey From: freddiejoey Date: November 25th, 2011 01:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
I come from a rather short family - although my partner is 6'2 and all my children are taller than me - surprise, surprise.

Meeting him again at the convention sounds fabulous.
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 07:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ha! Surprise on the kids all being taller than their mum. I know I am! Bless my mum, she's only just 5ft.

and I'm so excited to see him again! I can't wait! XD
bigbadjayne From: bigbadjayne Date: November 25th, 2011 12:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is such a romp. I loved River's continual tormenting the Jayne Bear. Awesome piece! :)
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 12:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thanks dude! For the beta (not sure if I got all your changes right) and for the comment! Love that you liked! xxx
bigbadjayne From: bigbadjayne Date: November 25th, 2011 12:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
You did just fine hon. Suggestions are just that. And I'll happily beta anything you need to have done in the Firefly end of things :)
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 12:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
But you know me...being British an' all that I'll always ask! What!What! ;) LOL
goddessofbirth From: goddessofbirth Date: November 25th, 2011 03:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
LOL...that's my Rayne;)
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 07:28 pm (UTC) (Link)

Totally!! XD LOL

Glad you liked!
sunshineali From: sunshineali Date: November 25th, 2011 06:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
LOL, this was funny. Poor, spent Jayne. He'll have to have a big breakfast of protein to keep up with his little bear. I love your stuff. In fact, I just read the "Broken Christmas" all over again and really enjoyed it. You have the perfect blend of hotness and comedy. While River is fun to write, don't you just love Jayne. He's the perfect character. :)
basched From: basched Date: November 25th, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC) (Link)

Aw thanks so much! And you read Broken Christmas again?! Now I really must get back to the sequel of that! But a couple of other fandoms have been distracted me from Firefly and Chuck.

Thank you for such lovely words! And both Jayne and River are a joy to write, Rayne is the best!

Jayne is one of the best characters EVAR! XD
sunshineali From: sunshineali Date: November 25th, 2011 09:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
He certainly is. I still can't understand why that show got cancelled (idiots at fox I suppose.) AND, now that AB is free from Chuck, you'd think Joss would consider another movie or re-starting the series. Summer, Jewel, Sean and Gina are all available. Since Nathan isn't available, now would be the time to focus on the Rayne. Wouldn't that just be awesome!

I'm excited to see where Adam lands next. I liked Casey so much but now it's time for him to land elsewhere. I'm hoping for cable so he can get a bit rougher/tougher (and hopefully a bit nakeder (not a word but it fit in.)
basched From: basched Date: November 27th, 2011 10:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
I too look forward to what Adam will do next. I hope it will be his own series...he could do with a leading role for once! XD
jenefaner From: jenefaner Date: November 25th, 2011 09:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
basched From: basched Date: November 27th, 2011 10:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

THanks! :)
(Deleted comment)
basched From: basched Date: November 27th, 2011 10:33 pm (UTC) (Link)

LOL Of course it works! I so loved writing this.

Thanks for reading...I got plenty reading of my own to catch up on! Cheers! xx
general_iblis From: general_iblis Date: December 4th, 2011 09:11 am (UTC) (Link)
Hehehe....gotta love River's over-abundant libido, though Jayne's really screwed when one realizes that she's still has 10-15 years before she hits her sexual prime!


Utterly fantastic work here, basched! I totally was having a LFAO moment when reading this and picturing River's insistent harassment of Jayne while he's trying to sleep. Maybe a sequel where Jayne gets his revenge could be a future story?
basched From: basched Date: December 7th, 2011 10:34 am (UTC) (Link)

At last! LJ is lettign me reply! Sorry for the lateness!

I'm so pleased that you liked it! And heee! Jayne is going to be seriously screwed when she gets older! Ha!!

I may do a future story for this...I shall have to see. :) Thanks for leaving an always groovy and much appreciated comment. :)
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