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Happy Birthday Sweetie Darling! (Jellie_RayneLuv) xxx
Title Sweetie Darlin'
Characters/Pairing It be Rayne! :)
Words 1,958
Genre Humour, romance
Rating 15
Summary River doesn't know why Jayne is giving her sweets.
Author's Note: This be a fic especially for  jellie_rayneluv  on her birthday.  I must confess that I started writing this for your birthday last year, but I could never finish it. I tried, but it never actually happened. But this time, I got it! I found the muse! It's been a while since I've written any Rayne, so I hope it's all okay. It's not beta'd so there will be mistakes. I just hope you like it sweetie darling. xxx Have a lovely day! 

“What is this?”

Jayne looked up from his magazine and in his face was thrust a small round object in a silver foil wrapping. There was tiny gold lettering in Chinese on the side, which clearly said what it was.

“What d’think it is?” He snarled, shoving it out of his face and going back to his magazine. “It’s a gorram sweet.”

“Confectionary? Yes….I know this. I can read.”

She’d better not start up that  'he can't read proper' argument again.  The crazy girl…okay not so much a girl any more, had best stop talking about how well I don’t read or else there will be hell to pay.

Thankfully she didn’t and instead the sweet was waved about in front of his face, along with some others.

“What are these? What is the meaning behind them?” River asked him again, dropping a few of the sweets into his lap.

“You ruttin’ eat them, ya fruit-looped whack job!” Jayne threw down his magazine, picked up the sweets from his lap and waved them about in front of her face, just like she had done to him. “You take off the wrapper, pop ‘em in to your gorram mouth and then I enjoy the silence when at last you stop gorram talkin’! So eat them already!”

“So they are for me then?”

“The packet had your name on it, didn’t it?”

“I am confused.”

“Oh cao di yu! The sweets are for you!”

She was still confused. In fact, the little Reader was even more confused than she was before.  So she attempted to do what Jayne thought she would try, which was read his mind, but that too made her face scrunch up in bewilderment.

“They are a present?”

Well done, genius.  Jayne grunted in slight acknowledgement and strode out of the mess hall. River followed.

“This does not make sense!” she cried, running with haste to keep up with him. “There’s no occasion that calls for such treatment. It is not the day of her birth…though in space, days are irrelevant.  In fact these are not like the other presents you’ve given her. You are inconsistent and erratic! You are….doing this to her on purpose? Are the confectionaries tainted?”

The clomping of her boots stopped and whilst Jayne continued to his weight bench, he heard the rustle of the wrapper and little sniffs behind him.

“These could be poisoned. If so, then they would indeed correspond to the gifts you’ve given her so far this week as they’ve all shown intent to shut her up in various ways.  Captain Daddy and Simon said you weren’t to give her these kind of gifts anymore. So you must desist.”

“Whatever, Crazy.”

“She's not crazy any more…Simon tested her.”  

Jayne snorted with laughter at that comment and then he began to whistle. He stripped off his shirt and plonked himself down on the bench. He took a brief look up to where River was standing on the stairs, frowning at him, and shook his head before lying down and hefting the bar up off the supports. He began to do his set, waiting while River tried to figure things out.

He didn’t have to look, but he heard her walk down the steps and sit down by his bench. She unwrapped another sweet and sniffed at it again. She then sat in silence whilst he did the rest of his reps, but he noticed that she never looked away from the sweet in her fingers.

When at last he could do no more, Jayne rested the bar back and sat up to use his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face and chest. River hadn’t moved.

“Jayne has never liked the girl. Cuz he still thinks she’s gorram crazy.” River looked up when Jayne finished rubbing himself down and tilted her head to the side as she inspected him curiously. “She speaks too much. She’s creepyfyin’.  She’s got them crazy eyes and does them crazy mind readin’ tricks! She don’t shut up! That is that why you brought her all the gifts! Gags and muzzles to make her stop! Please make her shut the gorram hell up?  Quit all your talkin’ crazy! Yer makin’ me fuckin’ hurt! Quit it ‘fore I quit it all for ya! Jayne…gifts are not the way! Your methods are flawed. You do not give gifts to those you hate.”


“Am certain! Gifts are meant to be given as means to make the other person happy or less sad. It is a kindness…which is not Jayne Cobb to River Tam.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.” River paused for a moment and sniffed again at the sweet. When she did, her head perked up straight and there was a look of hope in her dark brown eyes. “Unless you are seeking forgiveness? Like the time on Ariel? You gave apples then.”

“Nope.” Jayne sighed. “Ain’t askin’ or wantin’ forgiveness. Not from you, Mal or yer pansy assed brother.”

“Your methods are flawed.” River said as he walked past her and directly to the stairs. “In fact…you are flawed. You’re not making sense. Jayne Cobb doesn’t play games. He doesn’t beat about the bush. He tells ‘em how it is…tells ‘em straight! Why have you poisoned the sweets?”

He paused, with one hand on the rail, as a nagging doubt riddled inside his head. She had a point there. So maybe now was a good time to spell it out for the genius moonbrain, being as she couldn’t figure it out. He had grown tired of waiting for her to pick up on it.

He turned back to her, looking all around the cargo bay for signs of “captain-daddy” and the pansy assed brother. When he was satisfied they or the others of the crew weren’t around, he approached her and grabbed hold of her arm. He hauled her to her feet and snatched the opened sweet from her hand. He popped it into his mouth and began to suck…slowly.

She was mesmerised by him and the sound he made. River’s eyes widened with astonishment when Jayne didn’t collapse to the ground. A single finger reached up and poked at his cheek and the sweet.  

“It’s not poison?”

“Nope, ya daft bint…but yer right.”  Her scowl made Jayne smile, so he immediately pulled her beneath the stairs and shoved her up against the wall. “So let me put it to ya straight.”

Jayne edged closer to her, pressing his still sweating body against her tiny frame, pinning her to the wall. He bowed his head down level with her face and looked intently into her eyes.  She really didn’t know…or she did but didn’t think it possible.  Jayne sighed and smiled.

All it took was to wrap both of his arms around her skinny little frame and heft River up from the floor. The look of sheer surprise heightened to shock as Jayne used his body to keep her in place. He saw the realisation in her eyes and when she didn’t resist or push him away, he grinned and hooked one hand under her leg, wrapping it around his waist. The little meep that escaped her lips only amused him more. This time…she was the one who was scared.

Okay…maybe a little.

“This direct enough for ya, darlin’?”

Jayne hitched her up a little and then lightly pushed with his hips as he began to bite at her neck. He felt her tense, then Jayne felt the judders in her tiny little frame as he continued to kiss and brush his goatee all around her neck. It was about time he did this….for she was driving him nuts. Had been for good few years now, but damn….she did taste good.

“Jayne hates the girl.” Her low mutterings came from her lips between gasps. “He pulled her pigtails, called her names. Gave her horrible presents that gag…wanted her dead. Sold her to the feds. This is not him…this is….” Meep.

“Think you know what I’ve been feelin’ little Crazy?” Jayne murmured into her skin, moving his mouth across her flesh as he spoke, but stopping before touching her lips. “You’ve read my mind, my intentions and thought that? You don’t know squat…genius.”

Never on the mouth.  Jayne never kisses on the mouth, but tasting this…tasting her was awfully tempting. Of course he was thinking himself crazy for this, but Jayne Cobb did love giving into such urges…from time to time.

Being too busy focusing on what his mouth was doing, Jayne hadn’t been paying attention to his hands, at least not until they found the thin material of her unders and the wet heat emanating against his fingers. He groaned.

This was going too far. Mal and Simon are sure to find out soon and then things will really get…

Ta ma de!

He felt her, a light touch against her heat and then he heard. It weren’t no meek little gasp, for it echoed throughout the bay.  Jayne couldn’t help but smile as slammed his hand over her mouth. Her rather sudden scream was muffled by his palm, but to his ears even that sounded loud.

He immediately dropped her. River was now babbling on into his hand, which was getting a little wet from her spit. He pulled it away.

“….to make sure Captain daddy and Simon don’t hear! Bit, ball, cleave…ssh! Which is best? Bit, ball, cleave! They must silence her in case they hear! The things Jayne wants to do! OH!” She squeaked again and then lowered her voice to a whisper . “The Big Bad Jayne wishes to fornicate with the Crazy girl! Bizarre, but not in the least bit undesirable. Age differences are inconsequential and Jayne is still in top physical condition for someone in advanced years…”


“He’s afraid that what he’ll do to the Crazy girl will be too loud, so he brought her the means to keep the volume to a minimum! Hush! Hush!”

“Yeah! Shut the hell up! You want the others to hear?”

River shook her head.

Jayne then paused and curiously bent down a little to her height.

“You…you want to do this, yeah? I mean….? Yer consentin’ right? I ain’t doing this an’ having you scream rape or nothin’.” She shook her head. “Y’sure?”

She smiled and nodded her head. Even River being in her mid-twenties and behaving like the woman she’d become most of the time, she was still prone to her girly…crazy ways.

“First time with Jayne.  Again, bizarre but not unwanted. Bit, ball or cleave?”

“Yer what?”

“Which will stop the screams?  Each have their own merits, but not all will actually stop her from vocalizing.”

“Are ya actually talkin’ ‘bout this now? Here?”

“Oh! We should go then!”

“Good!” Jayne held out his hand and gladly accepted when River held it with her own. It was slightly clamy and he could feel her shaking, but he wasn’t about to forget that she could squeeze quite hard with that tiny little thing.

“NO! Wait!”

The pull on his arm nearly wrenched his shoulder out of his socket.


“What was the purpose of the candy? You gave me sweets because… you do like me?”

Me. She said me.

“Darlin’…what ya gorram think?”

River thought about it for a moment, nothing really making sense in her head but then the smile drifted across her face. Good gorram…she did smile pretty.

“Sweetie darlin’! You like me! The sweets are to suck whilst we fuc-!”

Jayne laughed and grabbed the little woman, flinging her over his shoulder.

“Sure, my little Crazy. That’s exactly what they’s for.”

Her laughter didn’t stop as he carried her up the stairs towards the bunk

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8 comments or Leave a comment
sunshineali From: sunshineali Date: January 26th, 2013 12:52 am (UTC) (Link)
It's not even my b-day gift, but I'm still a puddle of goo after reading this delightful, sweet, sugary, yummy treat of a fic! You know I'm going to beg for more now, right? I mean, we have to read about her sucking on her candy while other things occur right?...right?

And, you know, when I first read the description of the circular candy wrapped in foil, I thought it was a condom. Then, I thought it was an edible condom....what does this say about me? I mean really, a condom?
basched From: basched Date: January 27th, 2013 11:21 am (UTC) (Link)

Oh Ali!! *BSH*

Thank you so much! As for doing more, I have no idea! I really need to finish off my other firefly fics first! I can't believe I haven't finished Childhood wishes! Eek!

Sucking other things other than candy huh? LOL I might have to write something like that at some point!

LOL Really?! Oh sorted! But then don't worry, it just say's your a Rayne fan is all!

Thank you so much for reading it. Mwah!
freddiejoey From: freddiejoey Date: January 27th, 2013 01:37 am (UTC) (Link)
Yummy yummy fic

(many years ago, pre-children and being a serious mother, someone did give me a packet of edible condoms for my birthday. They were banana flavoured.)
basched From: basched Date: January 27th, 2013 11:22 am (UTC) (Link)

Thank GAL! I'm glad you liked!

Banana flavoured condoms huh? Now that does sound yummy! XD

From: alisosia Date: February 19th, 2013 08:32 am (UTC) (Link)


very funny
basched From: basched Date: February 20th, 2013 12:28 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: cute

Thank you. :) Glad you enjoyed it. :)
jellie_rayneluv From: jellie_rayneluv Date: June 3rd, 2013 06:02 pm (UTC) (Link)


Aww, Thanks so Much Lil' Bit. That was totally awesome sauce. Will have to read it again and again.

So sorry I missed it on the occasion ... but what good fortune to have found this little prezzie today.

It means alot, that you thought of me, when I have been so absent as of late. I will try to do better about that...as I have missed so much this past year and have a lot of catching up to do.


basched From: basched Date: June 3rd, 2013 06:14 pm (UTC) (Link)



It was my pleasure to write this for you. I hope that you had a wonderful birthday on the day! XD

I could never forget you anyways darling! xxx We were in Vegas together! It's a memory I'll aways treasure.

*Much hugs* Always much love. xxx
8 comments or Leave a comment