Characters/Pairings: Wash/Zoe, River/Jayne
Genre: Humour, Romance
Summary: Whilst on a job on a Core planet, the technology astounded the pilot and the merc.
Author's Note: This is a joint birthday fic for my friend ludzu_alus and dtsguru Sorry it's WAY late ladies, but I hope you like it. Written with a prompt from Lissa and beta'd by kuryakingirl It got a bit silly, but I hope you lassies like it. Much love to you my Rafia sisters. You mean the world to me. :) Additional: There's also a little mention of a joke used in another film, I couldn't resist. Sorry.
This was what feeling respectable and rich must be like.
Wash gazed at the room with a mixture of awe and childlike giddiness. It was amazing!
This was going to be one of the best jobs ever.
The Captain had never really liked taking work on Core planets, he didn’t like anyone stepping out on one—Inara and Book being the only exceptions—but this was just too good to pass up. The little Albatross’ idea was pure genius, which was just like her.
As the porter was explaining all the mod cons of the large white gleaming suite, which overlooked the entirety of the city, Wash was staggering about. He would have stumbled over the steps that lead to the huge king-sized bed, he would have fallen against the window—his face smooching against the glass—if it hadn’t been for his beloved keeping a firm hold on his arm. The porter was utterly oblivious to the ‘rich’ couple as he babbled on
“Steady there, sweetheart.” Zoe whispered as she kept him upright.
“I can’t believe we’re here! Isn’t this this so…?” Wash let a string of mandarin finish off his sentence. Clearly he was too excited to speak in English.
“You be drooling husband.”
“I can’t help myself!” Wash wiped a hand over his mouth. “Have you seen the food they’ve laid out for us?”
The porter explained that the food was just complimentary, but what was laid out on the table by the wall, was enough to feed the crew of Serenity for several months. Wash could already feel his stomach rumbling.
“If you require anything further,” the porter had finished giving his tour, finally. “Don’t hesitate to call us.”
“Our man is already conducting arrangements with your supervisors.” Zoe said.
Wash giggled and muttered under his breath.
“Our man!” Zoe’s warning glance made him regain some control.
“A member of staff will always be pleased to help if you do need anything further.” The porter said.
After Wash gave him a tip, the porter walked out of the room, practically bowing and grovelling as he did so. It was really weird to be treated like this, but Wash certainly wasn’t going to complain. The money he had tipped the guy with was the last of the crew’s joint cache from their last job. Now if they could pull off this next one, Wash and Zoe could probably afford another couple of nights in this place, just for pure pleasure.
As soon as the door closed, he began to go around every part of the room, trying the food, bouncing on the bed and testing every convenience within. Zoe on the other hand, immediately picked up one of the black bags they brought with them and took out some small surveillance equipment, which she then began to attach to the glass wall.
“Do you have to start straight away, honey?” Wash sighed, sidling up behind Zoe and wrapping his arms around her waist. He nuzzled affectionately around her neck, making her smile. “Kaylee and Mal won’t be in position for at least another couple of hours and Jayne is not going to…”
“We are here to work, dearest. Not to indulge ourselves.”
“What’s wrong with doing both? That guy said the bed can vibrate! It has several settings and we can adjust it for our pleasure! Yeah?”
“I don’t care if it can do my laundry, honey. Mal needs us to be alert and ready. Because we can’t have coms in here, we have to look out for River’s signal. If we don’t get everything recorded, the rest of the plan will fail.”
“But the mission hasn’t even started yet! Surely we can have a little bit of time for what we need and not what Mal needs?”
“I don’t like being vulnerable here, Wash. There’s feds and all this fancy doesn’t make me feel much comfortable as is.”
Wash took hold of Zoe’s hands and began to slowly run them over her body.
“Are you sure? I can help make you comfortable…with the snuggling and the trying out of the hot tub they’ve got in the bathroom? Hmm?”
Wash began to kiss around Zoe’s neck, soft and light touches of his lips on exactly the right spots, those places that made the excited tingles ripple up her spine. Zoe closed her eyes and sunk back against her husband, raising her hand up and round to slip through his hair.
Curse him. He did have his manly wiles of manipulation.
“Very well, but we have to make it quick.” She murmured.
“I’ll be in and out before you know it.”
Zoe couldn’t help but chuckle, knowing full well that Wash was scowling at himself for saying that. Instead of teasing him about it, Zoe allowed her husband to take her to the bathroom.
Jayne closed the door behind him and smiled at the view before him.
Mooney had done right and this was more than just fine. While the crisp black suit he wore was a little scratchy against his skin and the briefs were rising up his ass—the food before him more than made up for the discomfort.
Jayne called out as he began to tuck into the food—damn it had been a while since he had eaten such finery—and cussed a little as some of the contents of his mouth spilled over his shiny suit. He had a mouth full of cream cake when he eyed Zoe strolling casually across the room wearing a very small towel that barely fit around her wet body. Jayne grinned some more.
“This is my lucky day!” he said picking up the orange juice—oh god, orange juice!—and chugging it straight from the jug. “Food and a show!”
Zoe smiled. “I can still and will hurt you if you don’t avert your eyes, Jayne.”
“Aw heck, spoil my fun, why don’tcha?”
“My husband is in the next room.”
“Yeah, don’t really wanna see his pasty pale ass.”
“Hey! Don’t ever forget who you’re talkin’ to!” Zoe playfully warned.
Jayne turned away and focused back on the food. As much as he would have liked to have glimpsed Zoe in the complete and all together, he knew that she would end him. His part in this mission depended on him taking orders from the both of them, as he was technically their ‘manservant/bodyguard’. He had just come from checking the security arrangements and now all they had to do was wait for River’s signal.
“Is that Jayne?” Wash’s voice called from the other room. “Honey?”
“Yeah…it’s Jayne. He’s here and he’s eating all our food.” Jayne turned round and cussed just a little when he saw that Zoe was now fully dressed. It was rare to see Zoe dressed up in a pretty lady dress and she did look damned good in that black slinkiness, but how did she manage to get it on so quick?
“Tell him to try out the john in the second bathroom!” Wash called out again. “He’s not going to believe it until he tries it!”
“Wash! He ain't gonna try out the gorram head!”
Jayne didn’t need to hear any more. He grabbed up some sandwiches and some pastries and immediately rushed to the second en-suite bathroom.
“I’m there little man!”
“Try it, Jayne! Really! It’s amazing!”
When he got there….Jayne couldn’t believe his eyes.
Then he couldn’t believe his ass.
So far, everything was going well.
Mal and Kaylee were where they were supposed to be, and there was nothing on the surveillance that indicated trouble. Zoe kept a good look out from their hotel room. If anything was to go wrong, Jayne was less than five minutes away to help the others out.
They were also less than five minutes away from the roof, where their emergency escape route was prepared. However at the moment, Zoe was doing all the work.
Her husband and ‘bodyguard’ were far too engrossed indulging in the mod cons of this Core world. So when River turned up, supposedly as a member of their personal staff, Jayne wasn’t there at the door to greet her and the hotel staff who had shown her up.
Zoe managed to get the others to overlook that infraction in the agreement—they did kick up a bit of a fuss-- and River was quickly shown in.
“There’s a high probability of this mission succeeding.” River said happily when she joined Zoe at the window. The city looked beautiful as the sun was setting, the colours looked like paint swirls behind the silhouettes of the scrapers. “Mal and Kaylee should be at the rendezvous point with the Shepherd in two hours and fifteen minutes. We can meet them back at Serenity, thirty minutes after and….what are the other two doing?”
Zoe smiled. “They’re being men. Well, more like boys with the way they’re carrying on.”
River tilted her head as she listened to the conversation traversing from one bathroom to another.
“I can’t believe it’s warmin’ my ass!” Jayne’s yelled. “How is it doin’ that? How does a gorram john heat yer ass?”
Wash started to babble about the technical possibilities, but River knew that Jayne didn’t really care of how. He was simply amazed at a seat warmer, which was something the Rim didn’t get at all. In fact all the helpful accessories on most toilets wouldn’t be found outside the core.
“Hey Wash! Where’s the paper at?” Jayne yelled after the engineer’s lengthy lecture. “All this fancy technical stuff and they don’t have anything to wipe yer pi gu?"
“I don’t know! I’m looking for some in here too but all there is in the place where there should be some are three seashells….”
River shook her head. They didn’t know how to use the three seashells?
“They’re boys. Leave it at that.” said Zoe, still not taking her eyes away from the window.
“They are obsessing over the insignificant! The job needs to be top priority!”
“I’m on it, River. Let them obsess.”
“It is just a toilet. Simon and I had these in our home on Osiris.”
It wasn’t just a toilet when they never grew up with these things, when such fancy gizmos, especially them toilets, is beyond anything they've ever experienced before and their conversation continued, with increasing concern.
“Is your john playin’ music?” Jayne yelled.
“No. It’s reciting poetry!”
“Can you turn it off?”
“I suppose so, but I’m enjoying it. It’s quite lyrical…soothing. I might fall asleep.”
“Fallin’ asleep with a warm ass? Not bad...damn…them seashells are buggin’ the hell out of me!”
It seemed that at the same time, both men decided to be extremely curious about the seashells. River wished she could have warned them first.
Their screams nearly ruined the whole mission.
There was a long dragging silence. Somewhere there was the sound of water slowly dripping. Then a nervous voice spoke.
“Yeah, little man?”
“Can you move?”
“Don’t really wanna.”
“Yeah, it’s probably best that we don’t.”
There was another long silence. Wash heard Jayne cough to clear his throat.
“The girls have left us, haven’t they?"
“We’re missin' out on the mission, ain't we?”
“That’s a definite yeah.”
“Reckon Mal will still give us our cut?”
“The girls are pretty pissed, ain’t they?”
“Yup. I’m gonna stay here.”
There was more silence, until the sound of recited Mandarin poetry spoke from beneath one of the toilet bowls.
Zoe wasn’t going to tell him that the Captain was pissed off. Her husband would probably already know that, but it wouldn’t be much of a concern, because she was far more pissed off than Mal would ever be.
Zoe also had every intention of striding into that bathroom and giving Hoban Washburne a piece of her mind. The threat of death by pinky was going to be included too, but every intention of letting him know how mad she was that he nearly ruined the mission—because of a toilet of all things—went right out of the window when she opened that bathroom door.
He was like a King of his own little porcelain kingdom. Any horrific or traumatic expression from what happened earlier had completely vanished and now her husband had a smug happy grin on his face. He was dressed in the black bathrobe he had put on after they’d been in the hot tub, and the slippers and he had one foot casually resting across a bare knee.
Wash had his ‘come hither’ face on and Zoe couldn’t help but be drawn in.
She couldn’t possibly be angry at him.
“So…the mission went well?” he asked, in a tone of voice that was completely without fear. He was smiling far too much for someone who was in trouble.
Zoe nodded. The mission did go well. Despite Jayne and Wash being absent, the robbery went ahead as planned and they had more than plenty, even when Fanty and Mingo would their cut. Mal and Kaylee were on their way back to Serenity with Shepherd, whilst Inara finished off her ‘distraction’. Zoe and Wash were supposed to be there with her, but Inara wasn’t in any danger, she couldn’t be, not when she was who she was.
Wash and Jayne had remained here.
He should really be uncomfortable sitting there all this time.
“Bu lai. I’m shiny.”
No. He wasn’t. There was a brief flicker in his eyes, the slight wince of extreme discomfort.
Zoe stepped further in, she approached Wash and the closer she got, the more Wash’s resilience seemed to falter. So too did her anger.
She should have known that coming to the Core planet was never going to be squeaky clean. Something had to go wrong, though not this. Zoe had imagined that the Feds might bust them or do some kind of interfering thing to ruin the plan, not her husband, Jayne Cobb and the technology of a toilet.
“Was it really that traumatic?” she asked kneeling down in front of him and resting her hands on his lap. Wash didn’t say a word, she saw it all in his face, however she couldn’t help but laugh.
“It’s not funny!”
“Oh honey…yes it sure is.”
“I’m being serious here, Zoe! It was…”
“I’m serious too. You put the mission at risk, you and Jayne. A couple of men like you freezing like that? That ain’t right. You two should be pleased that everything went okay but I think you’ve had your punishment now. That ass of yours had better be hurtin’.”
“I can’t feel it…but the moisturiser does make it smell nice.”
“I’m sure it does, but not what I’m focusing on right now. Y’know, I was goin’ to give you what for, but… you’ve learnt your lesson, about messin’ with things that shouldn’t be messed with. Haven’t you?”
Wash nodded his head.
“Good. Now…you have some making up to do.”
“Septic tank duty? Dishes? I’ll do anything!”
“No, but the Captain might see to that. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the duties that matter to me, husband.” Zoe rose halfway and scooped Wash off the toilet, ignoring the startled cry and his moans, carrying him over to the hot tub which was still bubbling away.
It didn’t take much for Zoe to get them both in to the tub again. She didn’t care about the slinky dress being ruined or the bathrobe, because they were discarded quickly enough. Wash sunk down into her lap and breathed such relief that Zoe wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him gently.
“Zoe? Do you think Jayne is all right?”
“Don’t ruin the moment sweetie.”
“He’s fine…I’m sure.”
Zoe turned Wash around, she made him straddle across her lap and dragged him down for a deep long kiss. For a moment, she was the one in control, dominant, but eventually it wasn’t possible. She was sapped down to their mutual level, to the point where both of them were equal and they were content, happy and pleasured with the soft sensual kisses and tactile responses.
Zoe’s hands snaked down the contours of Wash’s back as he traced his fingers over her hips and up to the rounds of her breasts. They were slow caresses until Zoe stroked over the round pert cheeks of Wash’s buttocks. She paused the kiss. Zoe touched Wash again and again, a little frown creased her face as her touches became even more curious at the sensation she was feeling.
The skin here felt different in the water, oily from the moisturiser?
How the heck could that contraption apply such….?
Wash turned them round, now it was Zoe on top and she was staring down at the man she loved and then... nothing else mattered.
Jayne couldn’t remain sitting. He wasn’t a complete wuss. Yes, the experience had scared the living go se out of him mainly because there were some things that johns really shouldn’t do and what he went through was one of them. He could have destroyed it or damaged it, but it would probably mean he would have to pay for the damages. Ugh.
Yet he couldn’t help but be curious. He was standing up, one hand planted on the wall to stabilise himself and the other touching over the cheeks of his ass. Each time his fingertips grazed over his skin, he frowned with great distaste. There were no mirrors in this bathroom where he could see with his own eyes, see what his hands were clearly feeling. Jayne weren’t liking what he was feeling. At all.
The door opened.
“Good! I was callin’ long enough! Can you tell me if my ass looks all right? It feels mighty guai yi after that confounded piece of Core tech violated me.”
Jayne did not expect the hard and very smarting smack of a little hand across his backside.
It stung so much it made him cry out again and he turned and nearly fell over at the sight of those crazy eyes glaring back at him.
“HEY! That hurt! What you do that for?”
“You nearly ruined my plan, you big bad lug! Serves you right!”
The fierce angry tone then turned into disgust when the little Crazy—dressed in a very fittin’ slinky black dress—sniffed at her palm. The one she had just hit him with.
“Your bottom smells of coca butter.”
“I don’t care if it smells of rose petals or girly shit!” Jayne growled angrily and then he became worried and scared like a pouty little boy as he turned and showed his bare bum to the young woman. “Does it look all right? It don’t look…wrong does it?”
“Eh?” River didn’t know what to say to that.
“Did that gorram thing do something to my ass, woman?”
She never said anything. He didn’t know that she couldn’t but then neither of them expected her to do what she did.
Jayne nearly had a heart attack when a warm wet tongue licked across one of his cheeks.
“You taste like coca butter.”
Jayne’s reaction was delayed as he was stunned, but in a blink of an eye, he had River Tam pinned up against the wall of the second bathroom, with her dress hitched up and her legs spread apart.
“What do you taste like, Crazy?”
He felt her breath hitch. He felt her heart rate increase.
He heard her laugh.
Then he laughed too, moments before she pulled him down into crushing kiss.
Mal may not give him his cut from this mission, but as the bathroom—along with the toilet—was destroyed in their naked tussle, Jayne figured he got the best deal from this.