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I Will Protect Thee (1/2) - basched
I Will Protect Thee (1/2)
Title: I Will Protect Thee (1/2)
Characters/Pairing: Thor/Steve, Coulson, Tony, Dum-E,  mentions of one sided Dum-E/Tony.
Genre: Humour, slash, hurt/comfort
Rating: T
Words: 4,088
Warnings/Spoilers: Mentions of mpreg. 'Off screen' character deaths.
Summary: Thor is on a very important mission.
Author's Note: This is a sequel/companion fic to Saving Dum-E. You might want to read that Tony/Bruce story before this if the end is to make any kind of sense.  I have taken the liberty of coming up with my own take on what (might) happen in Thor 2 and Captain America 2, certain things have taken place in order for my favourite pairing to happen but it's not dwelled upon too much. I do hope you find it funny and enjoyable to read. Beta'd by celeste9 but mistakes or such are all my own. (Split in two because I know LJ won't let me post it all in one go.)

He should have expected the attention; after all, he did stick out, even when he wore regular clothes.

Thor walked through the store, smiling gratefully at the people who approached him. Their thanks for him saving the city were heart-warming and he welcomed them all sincerely. He answered what he could of their questions and signed autographs but he was pre-occupied. He smiled as best he could for some pictures and shook hands with the public, but Thor Odinson was trying to focus on solving this problem.

He didn’t come out to the city on his own much, in fact a few months ago he wouldn’t have come out at all as he was still tangled with grief, but now was different. He was given new hope and someone new to care for so this errand he was on was urgent.  It was growing ever more so with the seconds that passed.

On the way throughout the store, he picked up a few things that caught his eye—several boxes of pop tarts and some donuts—but still he couldn’t find what he was here for.

“Are you okay?” asked the store manager, who came rushing out to greet him and offer his own praises and thanks. “You seem troubled.”

The manager shooed off the rest of the customers and walked by Thor’s side as they wandered up and down the aisles. The customers and a few more people, who came in from the street to see what the fuss was about, followed, listening and all very eager to help out the Avenger.

“I am vexed, nay, confused.  I do not think I shall find here what I seek. My friend erred with his advice. Forgive my intrusion on your day.”
“You haven’t intruded on us, sir,” said the manager as about six members of his staff herded around them, grinning and hoping to be of service. “Tell us what you are looking for and I can help. I’m sure I can. My staff and I are more than willing to, especially after everything you and the Avengers have done.”
There was a great murmur of agreement.  It was then the manager requested the customers allow Thor some space and privacy. Reluctantly they did and they went about—or tried to go about—their own shopping.
“Thank you.” Thor bowed gratefully. “I welcome your aid.”
“So? What are you looking for?”
“I know not what it looks like, nor what it is exactly, but I assume it will be in your armour department. Direct me to such an aisle and I will find it there, I am certain.” The look of confusion on the Manager’s face and on the faces of the members of staff standing by him only confused Thor further.  “You do have an armour aisle, do you not?”
“No, sir, this isn’t that kind of a store.”
“Indeed. Then Tony Stark is certainly in error, though I do wonder why he sent me here instead of giving me some of his own.”

“Oh, if you’re looking for something that Mr Stark makes, then you are definitely in the wrong place.”

“Nay, it was he who told me to come here. He told me that this was the exact place.” There was a momentary pause when Thor realised Tony Stark had deceived him and that he had completely misinterpreted what it was he was after. “Wait, forgive me… I am looking for ‘protection.’”
Quite why the manager and the three other male staff members suddenly ran off and left Thor alone with three very happy looking females, was unclear, but he was confused. They were smiling at him very provocatively, very much as most females—on Midgard and Asgard—tended to do.

They knew what it was he was after.
“You can help me, yes?” he asked hopefully.
They didn’t say a thing. Instead their wide eyes simply screamed desire. The women wanted him, sexually.
Thor smiled softly and waited as they did nothing but continue to look at him in a sexual manner. After a few minutes of being lustfully stared at, he grew a little uncomfortable.  He knew they were attracted to him, but their attentions were not what he wanted.  Eventually the women finally came back to reality and very slowly led Thor across the store.  They came to a halt in front of a shelf that had numerous small packages upon it and all were in different but bright colours.
This… this was what he needed? Were they jesting?
Thor scowled and picked one packet up, reading the lettering on the front but not fully comprehending their meaning. He compared it to some of the others and was amazed at how many different brands there were. There were so many to choose from, so how could he pick the right one?
“You might want to choose the extra-large.” One girl—she barely looked to be out of her teens—picked up a different pack to the one he held and handed it to Thor, her eyes straying down to between his legs. The women all giggled, though he wasn’t sure what was so funny about his manhood.

Yes, he was taller and broader in build than most Midgardian males, so the right size for protection was essential, it was no laughing matter.  However, Thor wasn’t sure how the sizes could differ when the packages were the same.

How could something so small possibly protect him?
“Are you certain I would be protected with this? Would not body armour be more appropriate?”
The women giggled again and they were looking just as astonished as he was.
“This is body armour!” said one, a tall lady with brown curly hair. “In a way.”
“Ah. I see. How does it work?”
The women squealed and choked in shock at that statement. Their eyes widened and the two youngest had to turn away, hiding their smiles and stifling their disbelieving laughs behind their hands. These women were actually astonished that he had asked that question, though Thor thought it a pertinent and reasonable one, not one that was to be scoffed at or taken lightly.

Maybe this protection came with a set of simple instructions and all Thor needed to do was follow those instructions instead of asking.
“Do… do you not have these on your world?” asked the first woman, who had the name tag Brenda on her uniform.  Thor shook his head. “Then how do you prevent getting sexually transmitted diseases? How do you prevent getting your women pregnant?”
“This is what this protection does?”
“Well, yes.”
Again, such a simple and honest question had the Midgardian women in some kind of fit. Their snorts of laughter and blushing faces were the normal and expected reactions to someone telling a joke, but this was far from folly or humorous.
“You… put them…on your…” Brenda cleared her throat again and pointed to his crotch. “You wear it on your … penis when you have….sex.”

Thor now understood and it made perfect sense as to why it was needed.

“I’ll ask Tony if he can help out with that.”

“No. I will ask him.”

“No, it’s okay, I can ask him…”

“I shall take but a minute. Stay here, rest. I will ask him for this protection you speak of.”

“Thor, do you know what you’re doing? It is Tony Stark you’ll be dealing with.”

“Aye. I know what I am doing and why.  I’m doing this for us.”

Asking Tony Stark was a mistake.

Tony had sent him here thinking this would embarrass him?  This was a joke of some kind, to lift his spirits? Foolish man. Asgardians were not as shy or reluctant to talk about sex as humans were. This did not embarrass him. In fact it intrigued him further. He was not clued in to many Midgardian customs and these peculiar little packets of penis armour were extremely curious to him.
“So how do your people prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy?” Brenda asked again, a little more forcefully.   
Thor nodded and realised he had to answer.

“There are no sexually transmitted diseases between Asgardians, our immune systems are adaptive and there have not been any cases of disease or illness contracted in this manner for more than a hundred millennia. As for pregnancy, we don’t become fertile until we are bonded to our mates.  I am not yet bonded so that isn’t a worry for me.”

“Really? Wow!”

“It’s perfectly normal for us. We cannot father children with humans unless we are bonded and made fertile. If one of Asgard were to lay with one of Midgard…” Thor closed his eyes for a moment, conflicted as a pang of grief stabbed at his chest, then he opened them and smiled gently once more, “their immunity is much more fragile than our own so then these must be vital precautionary measures. I shall purchase some of these con-domes.”


The women began to ask him questions, all at the same time. When curious onlookers heard, they crowded around him and they too began to ask questions.  The questions were many and not all of them were ones that Thor wanted to answer.

He had taken far too long on this task and he had to get out of here soon.

Thor held up his hand to silence them all.

“You have been of great help and thank you all, but I must go.” Thor bundled up more condom packets into his arms but paused as he scrutinised the other kind on display. He picked up some more, noting the utter astonishment the people were expressing.  “Am I doing something wrong?”
“You need that many?” one woman gasped, barely holding in her excitement.
“Do I need fewer then?  These things endure, they last many bouts?”
Humans.  They truly were a marvel.

The poor women couldn’t say anything further and Thor understood why. They were far too excitable. Now, the best thing Thor could do was purchase these things—and the pop tarts and donuts—and get back to Stark’s tower.      
He would not be asking Iron Man about how these things worked or what else to do with them for he would figure it out for himself, just like he did with the cell phones, the pagers, internet and those bidet things in the fancy bathrooms. Thor could adapt and learn.
“Again, much thanks. Good day to you all.” Thor bowed gratefully and was about to go and pay when he heard a different commotion.

The crowd had dispersed away from him and were now milling around someone else who had come through the door. There were flashes of cameras going off and the crowd of people seemed to grow more excited.

It wasn’t hard to see why. The man was an icon, an idol to their country and a source of goodness and hope to them all.  Thor’s smile beamed brighter, for the man was the same for him.  He felt his spirits lift at the sight of his fellow Avenger, of the man who had helped him through his grief.  The smile on his face broadened to a heartfelt grin.
“Steven! Over here!”  His voice boomed across the store and parted the crowds instantly to reveal Captain Rogers in the middle of them, looking very overwhelmed.  “Captain!”
The human Avenger managed to make his way over to Thor, doing pretty much what Thor had to do when he first entered this establishment. He signed some pictures and posed for the cameras, he did it in the usual friendly and sincere manner with which Thor associated with his teammate before politely excusing himself to speak to Thor.
“You found me, this is good!” Thor grinned even more as he took in the Captain’s immaculate appearance. Though the out of time human was wearing more modern clothes now, he still managed to dress in a manner that screamed the 1940s. “I apologise for taking so long, but these ladies were assisting me. I got lost, but fortunately they were able to show me what I required.”
Steve shook his head with some disbelief but kept that happy smile as he asked for one of the customer’s shopping baskets. It was empty and just right to put Thor’s donuts and pop tarts in. He then lowered his voice so no one else could hear.

“Thor! Are you crazy, what are you doing here? Coulson and SHEILD had a field day when we found out you’d gone from the tower. Are you okay?”

“I am fine, thank you.”

“Why have you come here?”

“Stark told me to come here.”

“Tony told you--? Why did he send you here when….” Steve coughed nervously, “when he’s got plenty of his own? A man like Tony Stark always has his own! He couldn’t have lent you one?”

“He said he had none but I now know this not to be true and my coming here was supposed to be a joke to embarrass me. He thought my attempts of finding these con-domes might have hilarious consequences and that I would fail in my mission. He is, of course, thoroughly wrong, though… I had no idea there were so many varieties!”
“That’s lovely, Thor, now can we get out of here before this is splashed over the news…huh, what? There’s more than one kind of...?”
“There are various sizes and colours,” Thor said, reading each packet in absolute awe and throwing handfuls of them into the basket. “Some have extra sensitive loo-be, loo-be that tingles and loo-be that warms! Whatever this loo-be may be!”

“It’s pronounced lube, Thor.”

“Ah. While I know that armour can be vastly different depending on its owner, I have never known any to be edible! These ones are flavoured, Steven! Why anyone would wish to eat the thing that protects them, I know not. For starters, these would not satisfy the hunger of any one from Asgard. They are so puny!”

“They’re not to eat eat!” Steve tried to put some of the condoms back, but gave up as Thor continued to put more in the basket.


“Thor…it’s when you have oral sex!”  Steve was really trying hard to not get all flustered over this. It was one thing to talk candidly about sex and such things with his friends back in the 40s but trying to explain this to a Norse God in the middle of a busy superstore? This really wasn’t great.

Thor’s smile beamed widely. It wasn’t the innocent childlike goofy grin either, it was the kind of grin that was very suggestive and dirty. A low outright filthy chuckle rumbled in Thor’s chest.

“Of course! Though I prefer my partners to savour my natural taste, there would be great many benefits of having other flavours!”

“Thor…can you please purchase them now? Coulson is outside waiting to take us back!”

Thor nodded, but he still dropped more packets into the basket, inspecting the odd one or two that caught his eye.  The last one he picked off the shelf made him pause and inspect the writing on the side. He jabbed Steve slightly with his elbow and smirked.

“Hark, Captain! There are ones ribbed, for extra pleasure!”  Another packet turned his devilish smile into another confused glare. “These might be worth a try but what uses or benefits are there to those that glow in the dark? If one cannot find their own manhood, they surely must be chilled, drunk or very tiny.”

“I suppose it helps when there’s no light. An aid of sorts.” Steve uttered, falsely smiling and waving at a passing mother and her child.

Thor chuckled again.

“Ha! But would it not be more fun to fumble in the dark? Steven, you should take some of these. You should try them all.”
The giggles from the women turned to gasps and then there was stunned silence. Thor saw looks of startled surprise on the women’s faces and then he noticed that the other customers looked the same way.  Steve looked positively horrified.
“What? I did not imply that you are tiny. I merely thought that as you are sexually active too, Captain, you should take some for yourself. These are vital to prevent diseases and pregnancy during sex and so you need to be careful.”
“I know that, Thor.”
“I don’t know if I can pass on diseases to a human, but it would be best to side with caution. I do know for a fact that I cannot become pregnant.”
“Well, no!”  A burst of laughter erupted from Steve as he guided Thor away from the onlookers and towards the payment counter. He had to catch his breath for a moment but it wasn’t easy, especially with the way Thor had come out with such a statement. “Oh, Thor…men don’t get pregnant! They can’t!”
Thor dropped everything on the counter and turned to Steve, shocked.
“Human men cannot?”
It was Steve’s turn to be stunned. His mouth dropped open and all he could do was stare wide-eyed at Thor, gasping like a fish out of water.  He couldn’t say a thing, nor could the young man behind the till. After a few moments, Steve managed to stammer out something.
“Y-y-you can?”
“Tis possible, aye. If you cannot, then I feel for you and all Midgardian men,” Thor sighed. “To not know the true miracle of birth, to not be able to experience it…it saddens me deeply. My brother…Loki…had that pleasure.”

“Huh? He…he did?”

“Oh yes, but then there are very few female Jotuns anyway, it’s rare for them to be born. The dwarves of Nidaveller, their males can produce offspring as can the Dark Elves of Svartalheim and the fire Demons of Muspelheim.  It is sad human males cannot. You are missing out on something truly wonderful.”
“Oh…” Steve again gawped like a fish, the words unable to vocalise at the bizarre mental images flooding his mind.  As he tried to shake off those images —how? How was it possible?--his inner voice chanted over and over ‘pay for the goods, just pay for the goods and let’s get out of here. Please!’
“Have no fear, Steven.” Thor brightened considerably and whacked Rogers heartily on the back. “Becoming a parent is not feasible right now. I’m still young. I’ve not yet reached my third millennium! We…I  still have plenty of time.”
“Third millennium?” Steve gulped and swayed. Thor steadied him by placing a single hand on his shoulder. It took a moment before he was able to stand on his own.  “You’re nearly three thousand years old?”
“How old did you think I was?”
Steve just opened and closed his mouth, unable to really respond or accept the fact that Thor had been alive thousands of years before anyone on this entire planet was born. But surely Steve knew that he was long lived already? The legend and stories of Thor and his people dated back centuries. Perhaps thinking of it only in centuries instead of millennia was a little easier to cope with?
Thor smiled, clearly amused, and patted Steve on the back.
The young man behind the counter was looking at them with an equally stunned expression but he couldn’t say anything either and when Thor smiled and thrust over the multitude of condoms, along with the pop tarts and donuts,  the boy could barely scan them properly, his hands were shaking so much.
It took a while, but eventually it was all priced up. Thor handed over the money and much to the relief of Rogers, they left the store as quickly as possible. Coulson was already outside waiting with a car, so the two of them were able to get away from the crowd of people who wanted to see more of the two Avengers. 
“Next time, Thor,” Coulson said, “if you need anything, including condoms, we’d appreciate it if you just asked us. We’ll get it for you.”
“It’s all right, son of Coul.” Thor picked up the box of donuts and offered one to the SHIELD agent.  Coulson picked one out and bobbed his head in thanks before taking a bite. “We have plenty now.”
“That’s good to know.”
“And we intend to use them all.”
Steve choked once more and turned a bright red, especially when he saw Coulson’s sly smirk in the rear view mirror.
“We are?” he gasped.
Thor nodded, his mouth full of doughnut.
“Aye! It will be glorious!”

“What the hell, Tony? Why didn’t you give him one of yours?”
Stark laughed, patted Steve’s face and drew him into a comforting hug. Thor saw the crafty but understanding look Tony gave him over Steve’s shoulder, before he released Steve and casually slipped onto the bar stool.
“Did the ever prepared Captain America not have one?” Tony asked, nodding to Dum-E to pour his next drink. The repaired AI obediently did so, ‘whistling’ a chirpy tune as it did. Stark frowned. “Stop that.”
Dum-E whined and then gently nudged over his drink.
“So, Cap?” Stark cooed and fluttered his eyelids. “You weren’t prepared for your big night?”
“This wasn’t planned, Tony.”
“Of course, I understand! Your suit doesn’t have pockets!  You might want to talk to Coulson about a redesign…they’re ever so handy.”
“Oh, ha ha. Look, for your information, Thor decided to ask you instead of me, he wanted to. He offered and when he did, instead of just simply giving him what he needed, you sent him off into the city on his own, for a joke!”
“Oh my god, you were bored. Weren’t you?” Steve shook his head and laughed, as if he should have known. Tony winked back at him and gave him a look that practically said ‘Yeah, you should have known.’ Steve rubbed a frustrated hand across his brow. “You were bored!”
Tony shrugged his shoulders and sipped his drink, looking incredibly smug.
“Well, my Malibu home is destroyed, I’ve repaired Dum-E and given it an upgrade—though there doesn’t appear to be much of a difference, it’s still dumb as a plank of wood—and I’ve somehow made things a little bit awkward between me and Bruce.”

Dum-E whined pitifully and tried to gain affection from Stark by stroking his arm.

“Hey! Don’t do that! Don't touch me!” he told the robot. “Go and mix me up another drink!”

As Dum-E obediently did so, Stark looked back at Steve and Thor.

“You made things awkward betwixt you and the good Doctor Banner?” asked Thor. “How so?”

“Don’t ask! Well, maybe later. Pepper is talking and smoothing things over with him, y’know, as she does, so I’ve been told to keep out of the way. My lab is still unusable after the explosion last week so I can’t do anything in there, so yeah, I was bored. I couldn’t help myself. Thor, you found it amusing though, didn’t you?”

“It was…good to get out.” Thor replied, bobbing his head in some agreement. “However, despite the reactions of the other humans, I was not embarrassed in the slightest.”

“As I can see.” Tony raised his glass again. “Apologies on my part…but seriously though, you two new love birds have come a long way, it’s touching and it’s beautiful. I shouldn’t mess you around. It’s very naughty of me.”

“Are you mocking us?” asked Steve.

“What? You and Point Break? No! Never!"

“Tony!”  Steve’s warning faded somewhat when Thor’s hand touched against his shoulder.

“You should not let him wind you up, Captain.” Thor spoke softly to him. “It’s what he wants.”

“That is true,” Stark said, the mischief in his eyes softened to genuine sincerity. “But I honestly believe you deserve each other after what you’ve both lost. Really. Go. Spend some time together. Go and get sweaty and naked. Just remember next time…”

“We shall be prepared. Of that I can assure you, Stark.” Thor smiled and took up Steve’s hand to ease him backwards.

“No hard feelings?”  Tony stifled his laughter behind his mouth before taking a sip of his drink. He snickered some more at the disapproval on Steve’s face and was surprised when Thor caught on and laughed at the comment as well.  Loudly.

“Thor? What the heck? Oh really, Stark…that’s just…” Steve couldn’t finish his sentence as Thor gently walked him away to the lift.

 “That’s just….”

“That’s just me!”  Stark rose his glass and took another swig.

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